Implementing Emotional Self-Care: What gets in the way?
Therapists, researchers and authors emphasize the importance of self-care, and offer a plethora of prescriptions including meditation, exercise and having a solid support system. Many of us recognize the value of taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally, yet this often doesn’t translate into implementing self-care.
You may take good care of yourself in certain ways like attending to your finances or keeping fit, but neglect your emotional needs such as peace, solitude or being treated with respect. When you neglect yourself emotionally you:
Feel inadequate and beat yourself up when faced with your shortcomings.
Don’t ask for help and take on too much at work.
Fail to make time for healthy nurturing activities.
Chose romantic partners who are not good for you.
Have difficulty setting limits and maintaining clear boundaries.
In my psychotherapy practice and in my workshops on burnout and compassion fatigue I have found that it is essential to address the beliefs, fears and outdated survival strategies that thwart our well-meaning intentions. Here are a few things that I have discovered:
Trap # 1: Addiction to Harmony
If it is difficult for you to tolerate discord, you will refrain from expressing your preferences and limits and be hesitant to pursue your desires for fear of “rocking the boat”. Anxious about “fitting in” and being accepted, you accommodate to the point of overlooking what is best for you, and put everyone else’s needs first.
Recognizing how your addiction to harmony was a necessary strategy from an earlier time in your life, but now hinders your growth, is an essential first step to transforming your relationship to discord. After you become aware of what causes you to prioritize harmony over attending to your needs, you can begin to challenge your habitual responses. Ask yourself the following questions:
Trap # 2: Lacking a Healthy sense of entitlement
We often hear about people who believe that the world “owes them’ and are convinced that they are entitled. When things don't go their way, they become resentful or spiteful.
At the other end of the spectrum are those who go through life as if they are undeserving and unworthy of financial success, a satisfying career, or loving relationships.
If you lack healthy entitlement you believe that you should be grateful for whatever life hands you. You may have difficulty following through on your goals, are “on the edge” financially or you settle for insensitive or abusive partners. To even consider what is in your best interest is foreign to you.
While your rational mind may be convinced that you are entitled, and that you deserve a meaningful and fulfilling life, your emotional brain often sees a different reality.
A healthy sense of entitlement is somewhere in between these two extremes. It is based on adequate self-esteem. You believe that you deserve a life that includes joy, support and success, and that your desires are important.
One common obstacle to implementing self-care is the belief that focusing on yourself and attending to your needs is being selfish. It is not. Enlightened self-interest has nothing to do with being self-absorbed, or “doing your own thing” at the expense of others, or pursuing instant gratification.
Instead, you become attentive to your internal cues such as emotions, sensations and intuition in order to know what you need. By honoring what’s in your best interest you will stay true to yourself. By doing so you can actually increase your capacity for concern for the larger community.
Trap # 3: “I am strong and independent and I don’t need any help”
Over-identifying with your strengths is often an impediment to self-care. When your self-concept is wrapped up in being strong for others, you develop an exaggerated sense of responsibility and became hyper self-reliant. Perhaps you grew up in a family that frowned upon people who were needy and not self-sufficient, and you learned to rely on yourself in order to cope with a chaotic family environment and caretakers upon whom you could not consistently rely on. Such efforts were an understandable attempt to ensure a controllable, predictable world.
It has been pointed out again and again that asking for and receiving support is an essential component of self-care. However, when your identity and self -worth are too invested in being strong for others, you have great difficulty receiving and asking for support. If you are much better at giving than receiving, you may view your vulnerability and your emotional needs as a burden on others or as a sign of weakness and failure. You become drawn to unsatisfying one-sided relationships, and your needs for comfort are met in more indirect ways through food or shopping.
Breaking free from over-identification with your strengths requires that you challenge your aversion to “being weak,” and understand that acknowledging your emotional needs and asking for help does not make you less adequate. By facing painful emotions from childhood you discover the meaning of true strength.
Learning to tolerate discord, cultivating healthy entitlement, and embracing your vulnerability is not a quick fix. Once you are able to recognize and work with these traps you will increase your ability to implement self-care, and will find that your life is more fulfilling.
Therapists, researchers and authors emphasize the importance of self-care, and offer a plethora of prescriptions including meditation, exercise and having a solid support system. Many of us recognize the value of taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally, yet this often doesn’t translate into implementing self-care.
You may take good care of yourself in certain ways like attending to your finances or keeping fit, but neglect your emotional needs such as peace, solitude or being treated with respect. When you neglect yourself emotionally you:
Feel inadequate and beat yourself up when faced with your shortcomings.
Don’t ask for help and take on too much at work.
Fail to make time for healthy nurturing activities.
Chose romantic partners who are not good for you.
Have difficulty setting limits and maintaining clear boundaries.
In my psychotherapy practice and in my workshops on burnout and compassion fatigue I have found that it is essential to address the beliefs, fears and outdated survival strategies that thwart our well-meaning intentions. Here are a few things that I have discovered:
Trap # 1: Addiction to Harmony
If it is difficult for you to tolerate discord, you will refrain from expressing your preferences and limits and be hesitant to pursue your desires for fear of “rocking the boat”. Anxious about “fitting in” and being accepted, you accommodate to the point of overlooking what is best for you, and put everyone else’s needs first.
Recognizing how your addiction to harmony was a necessary strategy from an earlier time in your life, but now hinders your growth, is an essential first step to transforming your relationship to discord. After you become aware of what causes you to prioritize harmony over attending to your needs, you can begin to challenge your habitual responses. Ask yourself the following questions:
- How did your parents deal with and express conflict and anger? Think about each parent’s conflict style (withholding, explosive, indirect).
- What messages (spoken and unspoken) did you receive growing up about being assertive or expressing discontent? For example, if you lived with a volatile parent or there was a lot of tension and chaos at home, the unspoken message may be that “making waves” creates more problems.
- How do you get others to like, accept, and value you?
- How do you typically respond when people around you are confrontational with each other or with you?
- Were you excluded or teased by peers? If so, how did these experiences influence the ways you deal with discord?
- Do you find yourself worrying a lot about how others perceive you?
Trap # 2: Lacking a Healthy sense of entitlement
We often hear about people who believe that the world “owes them’ and are convinced that they are entitled. When things don't go their way, they become resentful or spiteful.
At the other end of the spectrum are those who go through life as if they are undeserving and unworthy of financial success, a satisfying career, or loving relationships.
If you lack healthy entitlement you believe that you should be grateful for whatever life hands you. You may have difficulty following through on your goals, are “on the edge” financially or you settle for insensitive or abusive partners. To even consider what is in your best interest is foreign to you.
While your rational mind may be convinced that you are entitled, and that you deserve a meaningful and fulfilling life, your emotional brain often sees a different reality.
A healthy sense of entitlement is somewhere in between these two extremes. It is based on adequate self-esteem. You believe that you deserve a life that includes joy, support and success, and that your desires are important.
One common obstacle to implementing self-care is the belief that focusing on yourself and attending to your needs is being selfish. It is not. Enlightened self-interest has nothing to do with being self-absorbed, or “doing your own thing” at the expense of others, or pursuing instant gratification.
Instead, you become attentive to your internal cues such as emotions, sensations and intuition in order to know what you need. By honoring what’s in your best interest you will stay true to yourself. By doing so you can actually increase your capacity for concern for the larger community.
Trap # 3: “I am strong and independent and I don’t need any help”
Over-identifying with your strengths is often an impediment to self-care. When your self-concept is wrapped up in being strong for others, you develop an exaggerated sense of responsibility and became hyper self-reliant. Perhaps you grew up in a family that frowned upon people who were needy and not self-sufficient, and you learned to rely on yourself in order to cope with a chaotic family environment and caretakers upon whom you could not consistently rely on. Such efforts were an understandable attempt to ensure a controllable, predictable world.
It has been pointed out again and again that asking for and receiving support is an essential component of self-care. However, when your identity and self -worth are too invested in being strong for others, you have great difficulty receiving and asking for support. If you are much better at giving than receiving, you may view your vulnerability and your emotional needs as a burden on others or as a sign of weakness and failure. You become drawn to unsatisfying one-sided relationships, and your needs for comfort are met in more indirect ways through food or shopping.
Breaking free from over-identification with your strengths requires that you challenge your aversion to “being weak,” and understand that acknowledging your emotional needs and asking for help does not make you less adequate. By facing painful emotions from childhood you discover the meaning of true strength.
Learning to tolerate discord, cultivating healthy entitlement, and embracing your vulnerability is not a quick fix. Once you are able to recognize and work with these traps you will increase your ability to implement self-care, and will find that your life is more fulfilling.