Dennis Portnoy, MFT
EMBRACING YOUR INTRINSIC SELF
What if qualities that you view as virtuous, and have contributed to your success keep you disconnected from your deeper self and perpetuate your unhappiness and stress?
When you are connected to your intrinsic self, your inner qualities such as resourcefulness, perceptiveness, intelligence, humor, or sincerity are the primary determinants of your personal worth. Your value and sense of self do not depend upon how often or how effectively your inner attributes are expressed. For example, if you are a creative thinker, your inherent worth does not increase because you have paintings in an art show.
A predominant message from our culture, and often from our parents, is that our worth is measured by what we do rather than who we are. This causes you to define yourself based on your achievements or what you offer others. However, while your performance and aspirations are important, you should not feel deficient when you are unable to attain your desired outcomes.
When we are disconnected from our intrinsic self we can become too externally focused, too often dependent on external validation. This external orientation often lies at the heart of our self-defeating habits and lack of peace. We are too concerned about attending to others’ needs, feel constant pressure to do more and be better, and are overly accommodating in order to minimize disharmony and “fit in”. Our competence, helpfulness and ability to be strong for others become the defining markers of our identity.
Another feature of your intrinsic self is that you are more internally directed which means you have a felt connection to your internal experience. Your feelings, intuition and bodily sensations help guide your choices. You are more likely to define the criteria for you what makes you worthwhile rather than allowing others’ perceptions about you, or societal, peer or family expectations, to determine your direction or your value.
Operating from an internal frame of reference enhances your ability to be attuned to your inner compass and know yourself more deeply. In addition to using your intellectual capacities, you are guided by, your intuition, feelings and body sensations. This enables you to gain access to your emotional needs and recognize what is right for you in the moment. You can articulate your direction, and answers often come to you, rather than your having to look for them. When you turn inward, you can find stillness inside and can collect your thoughts and be less pushed around by moods and distractions.
Spiritual teacher A.H Almaas writes the following about becoming intimate with your inner experience and direct knowing:
You can know your body through being intimate with it, you can know your
feelings through being intimate with them, and you can know your inner state by
being intimate with it. Intimacy means that no barrier exists between you and
whatever you are knowing. It’s a direct in-touch-ness, a direct contact. Direct
knowing is inherent in our perception in general; it pervades all of our senses and
it is happening all the time.
What Almaas is referring to is being able to recognize when something resonates and feels true. Turning your attention inward allows you direct access to your feelings and needs. The knot in your stomach or your elevated breathing tells you that you may need to slow down or assert yourself. These internal cues alert you to the early warning signs of stress. You are more likely to know when it is best to reach out for support, or be alone, or stretch your muscles.
This shift inward enables you to reconnect with your depths. We live in a society that encourages an outward focus and discourages contact with our inner selves. We spend a lot of time in our heads and disconnected from our bodies. We worry about the future much more than we focus on sensing ourselves in the moment.
Avoiding your internal experience is often a way to distract from unpleasant emotions or memories. Becoming aware of our inner world can shine a light on painful emotional states. Being intimate with your feelings and sensations, however, can help you to regulate difficult emotional states. A heightened awareness of your inner world can enhance your capacity to step back from your impulse and reflect, rather than being consumed by or acting on it. When you practice turning inward you can pull your attention back, be mindful, self-soothe, and gain clarity.
One obstacle to embracing your intrinsic self is the belief that focusing on self is being selfish. Becoming more internally directed is not about “doing your own thing” or thinking only about you. Instead, the emphasis is on measuring your personal worth according to your intrinsic qualities, and awareness of your internal cues in order to articulate your direction and remain true to yourself. When you learn to do this you actually increase your capacity for compassion toward the larger community.
I am not simply talking about increasing self-esteem, but about how we can break free from our attachment to outdated fixed identities that disconnect us from a deeper source by challenging assumptions that distort our self-concept. It is important to understand how the ways we need to see ourselves, and be seen by others, shape our sense of worth.
When you are young you learn that certain behaviors can lead to favorable responses from others, and lessen the chances of unwanted reactions or difficult emotions. You form assumptions about how to act that will minimize discomfort and increase the chances of being accepted and valued. For example, if you grew up in a family that was chaotic and unstable, you may form the assumption that being invisible and compliant can de-escalate tension. Your self-concept revolves around “keeping the peace” and “not making waves”. Another example is receiving positive attention from a parent who put you in a role of their confidante’. Your sense of self may then revolve around being helpful. You have formed an assumption that not attending to people means you are less worthwhile, and you go through life putting everyone else’s needs before your own.
Many of our assumptions are implicit in our actions rather than consciously held as beliefs. They often reflect accurate assessments of our early life with family and peers. The trouble is that as we get older, we continue to operate as though outcomes that were true in our childhood still apply to our adult life.
When we are young we often don’t have access to our intrinsic self. As we grow older and become aware of our survival strategies, the wiser part of us can reassure our younger self that it no longer has to excel and please to “fit in” or choose harmony over truth in order to be valued, accepted, and establish emotional security.
Think back to a time in your life when you were young and reflect on the ways you behaved that increased your chances of being recognized and accepted, or protected you from feeling humiliated, overwhelmed, scared or rejected. Then picture yourself not acting in these usual ways. Would your family, authority figures and peers respond to you any differently from how they usually respond? Do you feel any differently about yourself? These questions can give you a glimpse into your outdated assumptions.
In addition to identifying and challenging outdated assumptions, you can affirm your intrinsic worth by identifying five inner qualities that have nothing to do with your achievements or the good you do for others. Notice if this is difficult. Write your five qualities on a piece of paper, and remind yourself on a regular basis that these are what make you a worthwhile human being. It is particularly powerful to look in a mirror and say the list out loud.
You may find that a part of you emerges that disbelieves your affirmation. It may show up as an inner bully that focuses on your shortcomings and tells you that you are “not enough”. It can also be sneaky and simply distract you every time you attempt to affirm your intrinsic worth. If your wiser self actively challenges this negative self-talk, in time you will feel the truth of your affirmation. Dealing with a harsh inner critic is not, however, a quick fix, and may require a trained guide to help you navigate.
When you connect with your Intrinsic Self, you live a life where you are not pushed around by outside forces and outdated scripts. Instead, you will recognize your true value and enjoy direct access to your deeper truth, finding less stress and greater personal and spiritual fulfillment.
EMBRACING YOUR INTRINSIC SELF
What if qualities that you view as virtuous, and have contributed to your success keep you disconnected from your deeper self and perpetuate your unhappiness and stress?
When you are connected to your intrinsic self, your inner qualities such as resourcefulness, perceptiveness, intelligence, humor, or sincerity are the primary determinants of your personal worth. Your value and sense of self do not depend upon how often or how effectively your inner attributes are expressed. For example, if you are a creative thinker, your inherent worth does not increase because you have paintings in an art show.
A predominant message from our culture, and often from our parents, is that our worth is measured by what we do rather than who we are. This causes you to define yourself based on your achievements or what you offer others. However, while your performance and aspirations are important, you should not feel deficient when you are unable to attain your desired outcomes.
When we are disconnected from our intrinsic self we can become too externally focused, too often dependent on external validation. This external orientation often lies at the heart of our self-defeating habits and lack of peace. We are too concerned about attending to others’ needs, feel constant pressure to do more and be better, and are overly accommodating in order to minimize disharmony and “fit in”. Our competence, helpfulness and ability to be strong for others become the defining markers of our identity.
Another feature of your intrinsic self is that you are more internally directed which means you have a felt connection to your internal experience. Your feelings, intuition and bodily sensations help guide your choices. You are more likely to define the criteria for you what makes you worthwhile rather than allowing others’ perceptions about you, or societal, peer or family expectations, to determine your direction or your value.
Operating from an internal frame of reference enhances your ability to be attuned to your inner compass and know yourself more deeply. In addition to using your intellectual capacities, you are guided by, your intuition, feelings and body sensations. This enables you to gain access to your emotional needs and recognize what is right for you in the moment. You can articulate your direction, and answers often come to you, rather than your having to look for them. When you turn inward, you can find stillness inside and can collect your thoughts and be less pushed around by moods and distractions.
Spiritual teacher A.H Almaas writes the following about becoming intimate with your inner experience and direct knowing:
You can know your body through being intimate with it, you can know your
feelings through being intimate with them, and you can know your inner state by
being intimate with it. Intimacy means that no barrier exists between you and
whatever you are knowing. It’s a direct in-touch-ness, a direct contact. Direct
knowing is inherent in our perception in general; it pervades all of our senses and
it is happening all the time.
What Almaas is referring to is being able to recognize when something resonates and feels true. Turning your attention inward allows you direct access to your feelings and needs. The knot in your stomach or your elevated breathing tells you that you may need to slow down or assert yourself. These internal cues alert you to the early warning signs of stress. You are more likely to know when it is best to reach out for support, or be alone, or stretch your muscles.
This shift inward enables you to reconnect with your depths. We live in a society that encourages an outward focus and discourages contact with our inner selves. We spend a lot of time in our heads and disconnected from our bodies. We worry about the future much more than we focus on sensing ourselves in the moment.
Avoiding your internal experience is often a way to distract from unpleasant emotions or memories. Becoming aware of our inner world can shine a light on painful emotional states. Being intimate with your feelings and sensations, however, can help you to regulate difficult emotional states. A heightened awareness of your inner world can enhance your capacity to step back from your impulse and reflect, rather than being consumed by or acting on it. When you practice turning inward you can pull your attention back, be mindful, self-soothe, and gain clarity.
One obstacle to embracing your intrinsic self is the belief that focusing on self is being selfish. Becoming more internally directed is not about “doing your own thing” or thinking only about you. Instead, the emphasis is on measuring your personal worth according to your intrinsic qualities, and awareness of your internal cues in order to articulate your direction and remain true to yourself. When you learn to do this you actually increase your capacity for compassion toward the larger community.
I am not simply talking about increasing self-esteem, but about how we can break free from our attachment to outdated fixed identities that disconnect us from a deeper source by challenging assumptions that distort our self-concept. It is important to understand how the ways we need to see ourselves, and be seen by others, shape our sense of worth.
When you are young you learn that certain behaviors can lead to favorable responses from others, and lessen the chances of unwanted reactions or difficult emotions. You form assumptions about how to act that will minimize discomfort and increase the chances of being accepted and valued. For example, if you grew up in a family that was chaotic and unstable, you may form the assumption that being invisible and compliant can de-escalate tension. Your self-concept revolves around “keeping the peace” and “not making waves”. Another example is receiving positive attention from a parent who put you in a role of their confidante’. Your sense of self may then revolve around being helpful. You have formed an assumption that not attending to people means you are less worthwhile, and you go through life putting everyone else’s needs before your own.
Many of our assumptions are implicit in our actions rather than consciously held as beliefs. They often reflect accurate assessments of our early life with family and peers. The trouble is that as we get older, we continue to operate as though outcomes that were true in our childhood still apply to our adult life.
When we are young we often don’t have access to our intrinsic self. As we grow older and become aware of our survival strategies, the wiser part of us can reassure our younger self that it no longer has to excel and please to “fit in” or choose harmony over truth in order to be valued, accepted, and establish emotional security.
Think back to a time in your life when you were young and reflect on the ways you behaved that increased your chances of being recognized and accepted, or protected you from feeling humiliated, overwhelmed, scared or rejected. Then picture yourself not acting in these usual ways. Would your family, authority figures and peers respond to you any differently from how they usually respond? Do you feel any differently about yourself? These questions can give you a glimpse into your outdated assumptions.
In addition to identifying and challenging outdated assumptions, you can affirm your intrinsic worth by identifying five inner qualities that have nothing to do with your achievements or the good you do for others. Notice if this is difficult. Write your five qualities on a piece of paper, and remind yourself on a regular basis that these are what make you a worthwhile human being. It is particularly powerful to look in a mirror and say the list out loud.
You may find that a part of you emerges that disbelieves your affirmation. It may show up as an inner bully that focuses on your shortcomings and tells you that you are “not enough”. It can also be sneaky and simply distract you every time you attempt to affirm your intrinsic worth. If your wiser self actively challenges this negative self-talk, in time you will feel the truth of your affirmation. Dealing with a harsh inner critic is not, however, a quick fix, and may require a trained guide to help you navigate.
When you connect with your Intrinsic Self, you live a life where you are not pushed around by outside forces and outdated scripts. Instead, you will recognize your true value and enjoy direct access to your deeper truth, finding less stress and greater personal and spiritual fulfillment.